got more words to the world

I always though that everything was going to be easier when I told it, Even though, it's been complicated as hell!.
Unfortunatelly, I feel locked inside as I was at the beggining. I know I got free, but something is still behind. It is suposed that you move on everyday,in my case, while everybody was doing what I 'had advised, I remained in the same spot. Either one step forward nor one step backwards... stuck, I think it is called ...
Why can't I take out of my mind all those memories, so vivid and fresh, that I want to re-live?
I torture my self over and over again, but , it wasn't my fault that everything went so badly, what did I do wrong?
I don't think I'm too bad to not deserve good things, nor to deserve 'nothing'
That's why this feeling of wanting to run far away and fast takes over my mind right now...it doesn't give room for anything else inside it...
It's not right at all , I know, but I can't think anything worst than feeling stuck and locked when you are so free to live as your will comands you to do so .
True, I've got too much ahead , but , again, strong feelings burn inside me .
Aparently, strength is not acquired day over night, is it?nor by spontaneous anxiety of wanting it so much
I get jelous sometimes of the dearest people around me ... I see how much they got, how much love they give. I wonder ... Flirt? Affairs? one-night-stands? ice cold heart?
Sometimes I wanna be this tough girl who wants it all...and gets it all...and throws it all!
I go to bed everynight, by my self and hear the nothing but silence, dead silence that says 'lonelyness is your dearest friend'.